A few Christmas Eves, Nikolai Slawson got very, very drunk. The London-based writer spent Christmas last year with her ex and is trying to bury the memories.
“I’m going through heartbreak and I guess I’m really not processing it well,” Slawson said, writing single supplementa newsletter for single women, and author of the forthcoming book “Single: Live a complete life on your own terms”.
“I’m usually a big fan of Christmas,” Slawson said. “I get up early. I’m the one who plays Christmas music, dances, sings, and brings the Christmas spirit. Instead, I basically don’t get active until about 5 p.m., which is embarrassing and I regret it.”
Your first holiday as a newly single can be exciting, especially if your ex participated in the previous year’s festivities. If you’re anxious about an upcoming family holiday gathering, it’s easy to make the same mistake Slawson did and overindulge.
But there are better ways to cope with the holidays. By making some simple preparations, you can mentally equip yourself to handle any emotions and issues that arise with grace.
1. Develop countermeasures in advance
If you know questions about your ex will upset you, planning some answers ahead of time might help, says relationship psychologist Lisa Marie Bobby, founder of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching in Denver. Helps.
“If you’re afraid you’ll cry when your well-meaning cousin asks, ‘What’s wrong with Timmy?’ you can prepare a graceful response in advance,” she says. “Role-play these scenarios with friends or even in front of a mirror.”
She provides the following script as an example: “It was a tough decision but I’m really focusing on myself right now and I’d love to hear an update from you.”
2. Recruitment assistance
You don’t have to endure this uncomfortable situation alone.
“Before you go, reach out to a trusted family member or friend who can help redirect the conversation or provide a safe space if things get overwhelming,” says Bobby.
Having someone to intercept questions or take a walk can help you feel supported. Even if you don’t end up needing their help, knowing you have an ally can put your mind at ease.
3. Honesty
You can try to use humor to deflect questions about your ex, but sometimes, it’s the most effective way to end a discussion about a past relationship and let people know you’re having a rough time, Slawson says.
“We sometimes tell white lies as a way of getting out of a slightly uncomfortable situation,” she said. “But it’s also okay to just say, ‘That’s not what I want to talk about. Let’s talk about X, Y and Z.'”
4. “Give yourself grace”
There’s nothing better than spending a low-key vacation. “Give yourself some grace,” Bobby said. “Experiencing a major life change during the holidays is never easy.”
Slawson said she might not have drank as much on Christmas Eve if she hadn’t put so much pressure on herself to appear “happy.”
“I found it really difficult and I thought I would play with my friends on Christmas Eve,” she said. “If I were being kinder to myself, I might say, ‘It’s okay not to play.'” You don’t have to force yourself or put on a brave face and pretend you’re okay.
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