As parents, we often wonder if we are doing the right things for our children. No one is immune to this kind of thinking.
I interviewed hundreds of young entrepreneurs and their parents about their experiences growing up. Most parents who raise highly successful adults do a great job.
It amazes me how many parents admit they would do things differently if they could go back in time.
Here are their biggest shared regrets:
1. They are overly focused on grades and achievements
Many future successful entrepreneurs are excellent students, easily admitted to top universities. Some people get it done, but it hurts. Others dropped out of college or did not attend college at all.
While education is important, it must be a fit. Looking back, some parents realize that they would have preferred their children to thrive in a nontraditional environment rather than trudge through four expensive and unhappy years.
Likewise, many parents recalled urging their children to spend less time doing things they enjoyed and more time studying or doing activities that would make them more attractive to top schools.
In hindsight, parents now realize that when their children put in 10,000 hours to acquire a skill they enjoy (even though parents may think it’s a waste of time), it turns out to be much more useful when they start their careers.
2. They feel they are over-involved
Of course we want to keep our children safe, but holding on too tightly may prevent them from flying.
I rarely hear parents say they wish to give their children less freedom. Instead, it’s the opposite: “Why didn’t I let them develop on their own more?” or “I feel bad that they never had any independence until college. I should have started letting them do things on their own earlier.”
There are several terms for over-involved parents: helicopter parents, who hover over their children and interfere with their decisions; snowplow parents, who remove obstacles and challenges.
Even parents who do just that sometimes regret it. They tell me, “I shouldn’t be solving problems for them; I shouldn’t be making their path so easy. They need to learn how to solve problems themselves.”
Looking back, they tell me they now understand that resilience is the key to success.
3. They don’t give their children enough responsibilities
My personal regret is that I don’t give my kids enough chores to do, and this is something I hear from many others. They have to make the bed and keep the room clean. But I never asked them to do the laundry; I never asked them to help me with my garden; I never asked them to help me with my garden. Except on rare occasions, I don’t ask them to cook for me.
I do these tasks myself because they are too busy and I don’t want to burden them.
Ironically, they now tell me they wish they had learned these skills in high school! Giving children more chores to do around the house not only helps them become responsible, but also teaches them useful skills for independence.
4. They lead because they are afraid of taking risks
Many parents told me that they urged their children to be cautious and take “safe” approaches. They told them to take the “more efficient” practical route.
When they see their children taking huge risks to start a business, or selling something they started, or pivoting in a new direction, or not accepting a guaranteed paying job to pursue their dreams, they Be proud of yourself.
But they want to know, “Am I scaring them? Would it be easier for them if I told them to do it more often?”
Or, if they scold their children when they fail—for a bad grade, or for not scoring a goal—it makes their children nervous about taking risks. They now understand that they cannot innovate if they are afraid of taking risks. If you’re not afraid of failure, you won’t be afraid of taking risks.
Even if they do feel regret, many parents say they often tell their children that they are proud of their efforts, no matter the outcome.
Finally, I want to remind us all: no one is perfect. We all do the best we can, and as long as our kids know we love them and we try our best, they’ll be fine.
Margot Maher Bisnow is a writer, mom, and parenting expert. She spent 20 years in government, including as a commissioner on the Federal Trade Commission and as chief of staff to the President’s Council of Economic Advisers, and for the past 10 years she has been speaking to parent groups about how to raise fearless, creative, confident, resilient, entrepreneurial Spiritual children, these children are filled with joy and purpose and are “Raising Entrepreneurs: How to Help Your Children Achieve Their Dreams.” Follow her on Instagram @margotbisnow.
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