As a faculty member at Yale University, I teach hundreds of people each year. I have observed that while all of my students possess extraordinary qualities, only some go on to live extraordinary lives.
What makes them so special? They have a healthy relationship with themselves.
However, most people have exactly the opposite: a toxic relationship with themselves. They are highly self-critical—what psychology classifies as self-loathing.
If you find yourself saying or thinking these five phrases often, your self-criticism may be holding you back. But you can replace these phrases with healthier expressions and actions that will help you reach your highest potential.
1. “I’m not good enough”
This is the viral program running in most people’s minds.
Our brains are wired to focus more on the negative than the positive.well known negativity bias Explains why if you get nine compliments and one criticism, you’ll focus on the criticism and drag your spirit to the ground.
“I’m not good enough” is destructive.it can makes you feel anxious and depressedresearch shows.
What to try
Ask yourself: “What’s good for me right now?” You may need to take a break, eat, or go for a walk. Something to help you feel better. You will come back to any situation stronger and in better spirits.
self-compassionResearch shows that it leaves you feeling more energetic, energetic and optimistic.
2. “I’ll never get this.” Why bother?
Not only is this demoralizing, it’s also scientifically wrong.The brain is plastic and can continue to change and develop into old age—a phenomenon neuroscientists call neuroplasticity.
You can change careers at 50, you can start playing piano at 80.
What to try
“I need more practice.”
Think about something you do regularly and with relative ease – whether it’s running a team meeting at work, cooking, or reading. Then think back to the first time you tried to do that thing.
See how far you’ve come? So will the thing you try for the first time today if you keep trying.
3. “I’m such a loser.”
This is another soul-sucking and destructive belief. You take “I failed at something this time” and twist it into “I’m a failure,” equating what you experience momentarily with who you are.
This idea can’t be true.Even if you don’t achieve specific goals in some areas of your life, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed everything. It also doesn’t mean you will inevitably fail in the future. Or that you are a loser yourself.
most of the time, Failure is an opportunity for growth and a necessary stepping stone on the road to success.
What to try
“I learned a lot.” You have. Your life experiences make you wiser and more aware.
4. “I can’t believe I did this, I was so stupid.”
It hurts when someone calls you stupid, including when that person is you. It’s exhausting and degrading. It makes you stop trying.
This isn’t true either. (Notice a pattern here?) The only way anyone learns—whether they’re a genius or a baby—is by allowing themselves to try and make mistakes. For example, one study found that Mistakes students make while studying can help them learn better.
Toddlers learning to walk will fall down every few steps. You don’t call them stupid and you don’t judge them for it. Instead, you cheer them on until they can take a few steps in a row, and then a few more.
In addition, the research found People don’t judge you as harshly as you think When you make an embarrassing mistake.
What to try
When you think about something imperfect, give yourself the same grace and encouragement you gave that toddler.
“No one is perfect” and “Everyone makes mistakes” are universal truths. By reminding yourself of these facts—and that you may judge yourself more harshly than others—you can relax, take a deep breath, and move on.
5. “I’m not as good as them”
What to try
Instead of focusing on the fact that you’re not as beautiful, interesting, or innovative as someone else, focus on what qualities you have Do Brought to the table.
Maybe your jokes fall flat at times, but you’re warm and people feel comfortable around you. You may not speak five languages, but your Excel spreadsheet skills are unmatched.
When I coach senior executives, we do an exercise called “ reflect your best self, in which you ask your friends and colleagues what they appreciate most about you. They’ll probably say something similar.
This exercise builds your resilience and confidence in yourself and your abilities, research shows. These feedbacks can help you understand how much you contribute to those around you and how much they appreciate you and your strengths.
Emma SeppalaPh.D., lecturer at Yale University and international speaker. She teaches leadership courses at the Yale School of Management and serves as scientific director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University. As a trained psychologist and research scientist, Seppälä’s expertise is in the science of happiness, emotional intelligence, and social connectedness. she is”happiness track” and”monarch“.
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